What’s happened to my blog? What’s happened to the frequent
writing?
What’s happened to me in this stage of life?
Friends are getting married, cousins are doing the same.
And here I am, being the wingman that I have always been. Always.
It hurts me to look at my parents as they grow old, and me
reaching to my middle adulthood. I can’t just sit here and do nothing; I
realized the changes that have been flowing around like nobody else’s business.
My mother is sick. Just a few nights ago, my uncle told me that I have to get
to know everything that is happening to my family. I felt a flood of blood gushing
through my veins; I just realized that I have never asked my parents how they
were doing. I realized my mistake. That will change, I promise.
My grandfather is ill. He was diagnosed with cancer, and that worries everyone.
My grandfather on my father’s side had left us even before I started walking, and
my grandmother passed on when I was in high school. On my mother’s side, my
grandmother took her last breath when I was with her around 2 AM at Hospital
Ranau, when we were quarantined due to the spread of H1N1, and when finally she was
confirmed that the result of her H1N1 test was found negative.
I have gained a lot in the last few years, losing isn’t
too different either. I broke up with my lover last year’s December. And that
hurts a lot. But, I managed to get hold of it although it pains me. A
relationship that greatly affected, taught and grew me up. For the first time
ever, I couldn’t believe how much it shaped up my life and when we broke up, I was
lost. I have been failing my semesters. That was the story of my summer
acquaintance. However, being single isn’t that bad either.
I guess it’s just life growing apart by day, slowing down
the process of bonding, escorted by too many bad and good influences. Too many
things have happened to me in the last few years since I stopped posting new
writings on Blogspot.
Not enough?
I have been trying to be adult enough to walk away from all
the nonsense of idiots around me. But what’s there without anyone? That is the
thing that colors away our life; it’s the bad and the good things that come
rolling toward us that matter. I keep praying that I can be strong enough to face
life not every single day; but moments, every minute.
While sucking up the water that keeps running down my eye drains, I also met a lot of new people, and get to learn new things, bad and good ones. Without
knowing, they silently educate me on how to be a person who is alert with his surrounding. However, things are not as easy as we think they are. Sometimes, it gets worse. Internet has started making things a little bit more complicated whether you realize it or not. It broke the law of reality, and made people
live in a fantasy that is far different than what really happens in real life.
There are people who like me, and there are people who don’t.
I can’t satisfy anyone. There are people who said “be anonymous,
and people will wonder”. I dreamt of anonymity, but that’s not what Psychology
is all about. Collaboration and communication are the keys for my degree.
Liking it or not, I can’t avoid them.
My cousin and my best friend have finally tied a knot.
I couldn’t come to Aryanti’s wedding ceremony because I was
in KL. And, I didn’t want to go to Nadia’s either. I was really afraid that people
would start wondering. I can’t stop thinking how am I going to answer everyone’s
question if they ask me when am I going to get that experience myself. Although
resulting to another stage of depression, looking at the two individuals
getting married made me so happy that these two ladies, where a while back said to me that they won’t get married, have finally tied a knot.
I am complaining, yes. I am complaining because I have the right to do so. I believe, despite of the misunderstandings I have been very good to
everyone though it cost a lot of sacrifices. Not only because how they behave toward me, but because I keep asking myself, “can that individual finally change?” My father has urged us, the children, not to
mess up with people’s feelings. Therefore, I was there when people were good to me,
and I appreciate those moments. But, I have been there for them when they’re
feeling down as well, and I didn’t complain, at least anymore, I didn’t resist
and I will keep being like that.
Am I suffering from a quarter-life crisis?
This is supposed to be a time for an adventure and time of
an opportunity, before marriage and works have taken their toll. Yet, here I am
sitting on an old mattress in my uncle’s house writing this post. I am trapped
between the need to get a job, a stable wage, attending my families, studies,
and my crushed social life. I have been reassuring myself that I will be able
to do everything by my own, but I know I need help. I admit that I am in need
of real help, I learned helplessness. Nobody can do it for me; I have to do everything by myself. I
clustered all strengths in the past few years just to get to where I am now. Or maybe it’s probably just a transition.
And I kept complaining. Just to let people know how hard
life can be, and how bad things can get if they don’t start early. I was born
in Ranau, grew up in the same district, still studying, I just turned 24, and please
don’t be like me.
